


temporal romps through self-aggrandizing pastures

by oredatte



Series: dave strider pity party: the movie [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Vines, all pesterlogs, and also karkat is there, but also there are lots of memes, dave centric, dave just havin a good old time arguing with his future self and reflecting on some bullshit, this is mostly about what post game would be like for dave, way too many memes and not enough of them are actually funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-24 19:41:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17710376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oredatte/pseuds/oredatte
Summary: or why dave strider (the man the myth the legend) started a journal and then periodically used it to catfight with himself and reference memes that will be dead in sixth months





	temporal romps through self-aggrandizing pastures

**Author's Note:**

> hey yall! my last homestuck fic was super heavy and emotionally charged and dug deep into that sadstuck dave trauma so i wrote this one for the brevity! hopefully youll get at least a chuckle out of it bc i had a hell of a time writing it tbh it took me right back to my msparp days where i rp'd as dave exclusively,,,, the timeline is based on the snapchat credits stuff so dave starts out 17 & its technically a sequel to cool guy syndrome but you dont really have to read that to enjoy this

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW opened a memo on board CIRCLEJERK 

**CTG: captains log stardate 42069**

**CTG: mr spock insisted that i start a personal log or diary if you will**

**CTG: and by mr spock i mean karkat**

**CTG: even though realistically karkat could not be more different from spock**

**CTG: if anything im spock and hes captain kirk**

**CTG: but i want to be the captain so its gonna stay like this**

**CTG: if im captain kirk then rose would be spock and karkat would be bones for sure**

**CTG: kanaya would be lt uhura and tz would be sulu probably**

**CTG: john can be like chekov or something i guess because he doesnt even show up until season two and that seems relevant for some reason**

**CTG: unsurprisingly i got incredibly off track in record time**

**CTG: im out here winning the bullshit olympics**

**CTG: gold fuckin medals in every category**

**CTG: but honestly idk why i should even bother explaining why im doing this if the only person whos gonna see this is me**

**CTG: because i know what im doing and why**

**CTG: well**

**CTG: not really**

**CTG: but whatever im just typing out a bunch of bullshit while karkat sits next to me playing minecraft so he wont yell at me about this anymore because im damn tired of it**

**CTG: i love him to death but he is literally the single most infuriating person on earth c when he puts his mind to it**

**CTG: i honestly dont even know what im supposed to get out of this whole journal experience like im just talking to myself it seems like a waste of time**

**CTG: he says diaries are supposed to help processing and whatever but i feel pretty much fucking processed**

**CTG: sburb put me in a fuckin blender and just went to town man im just slush now ive become one with the vegetables**

**CTG: they call me salsa cuz i be dressin**

**CTG: i guess that doesnt really work because salsa isnt a dressing but like im definitely salsa idk what else i could possibly be**

**CTG: if im not salsa then what am i**

**CTG: i salsa therefore i am**

**CTG: descartes was really on some shit wasnt he**

**CTG: dumb asshole didnt even consider ai because those bastards (@hal) can sure as hell think but they sure as hell aint**

**CTG: actually now that i think about it hal has a body now doesnt he**

**CTG: but hes all mixed up with that sweaty troll and is also a sprite so who knows**

**CTG: do you need a body to be**

**CTG: huh descartes**

**CTG: answer me you french piece of shit**

**CTG: whatever i didnt wanna talk to him anyway im sure he wouldve said a bunch of bullshit in french and then id have to use google translate just to find out he called my dad a hamster**

**CTG: or maybe my mom was a hamster who knows**

**CTG: interestingly enough earth c seems to have slightly altered versions of most stuff we had back on the og earth**

**CTG: hence karkat being able to fucking play minecraft while i talk to myself like a fucking loon**

**CTG: especially because no other dave has even chimed in yet at least then i would be talking to someone who isnt me alone in this exact moment but fucking alas its just me in a damn echo chamber**

**CTG: but anyway back to the hamster thing**

**CTG: there are some things that earth c just doesnt have for whatever reason**

**CTG: some things that are missing are good like theres no crockercorp or any of that crazy bullshit that rox and dirk told me about because who has the time for that shit**

**CTG: but theres also a bunch of cool shit thats missing too**

**CTG: monty python for example**

**CTG: so any and all monty python references will degrade in accuracy over time because we cant just rewatch any of it because it doesnt fucking exist here it exists only in the liminal space that is my brain juice**

**CTG: it extra bites because im the only one whos seen any of their stuff anyway so i make a monty python joke and everyone looks at me like my arm just fell off**

**CTG: at least future me will appreciate that joke**

**FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 786 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.**

**FTG: yep**

**FTG: noice**

**CTG: nice of you to show up asshole**

**FTG: would you have interrupted that dumpster fire circlejerk**

**CTG: yeah youre right**

**CTG: whats up**

**FTG: literally the same thing youre doing right now**

**FTG: karkat is sitting next to me playing fucking minecraft**

**FTG: he insisted i write in my diary some more so here i am i guess**

**FTG: im gonna make a new memo after this but i had a time loop to complete**

**FTG: it seems like bullshit that we can still do this in the new session isnt time supposed to mean something here**

**CTG: dude**

**FTG: yeah whatever i know**

**CTG: this aspect sucks fucking ass i know way too much about everything**

**FTG: yeah it makes my head hurt when i think about it too long**

**FTG: feels like one day im gonna wake up back in the session because everything still fucking works the way it did in the medium**

**CTG: i keep hoping this shit is gonna wear off but i dont think it will**

**CTG: itd be nice to not fucking hyperaware of every second of every day yknow im tired of being so fucking precise**

**FTG: yeah like you see it says 786 hours and you immediately knew that im typing this 32.75 days in your future**

**CTG: i hate numbers**

**FTG: hell yeah brother**

**CTG: are you fucking hulk hogan**

**FTG: show karkat[this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LdxgPYCTKE) video of hulk hogan and then say hell yeah brother to him hes gonna lose his mind**

**FTG: hes gonna laugh so hard he snorts**

**FTG: so then youll of course start saying it all the time because it always makes him laugh**

**FTG: but be warned**

**FTG: once the hogan train leaves the station thats it youre aboard that bitch for life**

**CTG: sucker**

**FTG: hell yeah brother**

**FTG: alright im done here**

**FTG: and so are you**

**CTG: yeah karkat wants to eat now**

**FTG: dont get the steak tacos no matter how much you want them**

**CTG: isnt that counterproductive**

**CTG: youre gonna create an offshoot timeline and who has the energy for that**

**CTG: its certainly not me**

**FTG: do i look like an idiot to you**

**CTG: well**

**FTG: shut the hell your mouth**

**FTG: im completing the right loop**

**FTG: trust me >;)**

**CTG: ominous**

**CTG: i like it**

**CTG: fine okay**

**CTG: thanks asshole**

**FTG: no prob bob**

**CTG closed memo.**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW opened a memo on board CIRCLEJERK 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO **

**CTG: im not gonna pull a karkat and start ragging on past me but i *was* kind of a jerk**

**CTG: a lot has happened in the last 32.75 days i guess**

**CTG: ive grown a lot in the last month apparently**

**CTG: because past me was out there throwing shade and talking shit**

**CTG: and can i just say**

**CTG: whoever threw that shade**

**CTG: your moms a ho**

**CTG: not really**

**CTG: roxys cool**

**CTG: i just like typing out vine references**

**CTG: ive recently gotten into watching vine compilations for literal hours on end and now they have invaded every crevasse of my mind**

**CTG: but i should probably actually get around to doing what im supposed to be doing with these memos**

**CTG: i realized while reading my old log that i didnt even actually talk about anything that was happening and i was kinda surprised that current me is annoyed that i didnt**

**CTG: maybe karkat is onto something**

**CTG: dont tell him i said that his ego would inflate so much hed achieve lifdoff and end up in the fuckin stratosphere**

**CTG: id miss him**

**CTG: so lets see what can i talk about that future me will want to read about later**

**CTG: future me dont get involved right now im sure your fingers are itching to swoop the fuck in here and lay down some sick fuckin wisdom but i need to get a groove going**

**CTG: so weve been on earth c for about three months now which is wild to think about**

**CTG: im of course hyperaware of every second thats passed but lets not think about that right now**

**CTG: weve all been kinda fucking around but its getting even more boring than it was a month ago**

**CTG: all the people here keep trying to actively worship us as the creators like we did anything**

**CTG: okay yeah we all did a bunch of shit and almost died a lot to get here and did actually die a few times to make this planet and this universe**

**CTG: i get that**

**CTG: i dont think anyone gets that like i do**

**CTG: but that doesnt mean i want to be worshipped**

**CTG: itd be easier if they just fucking forgot that we made them**

**CTG: then i could go down to the grubway and get my fuckin teriyaki chicken sandwich without everyone fucking gawking at me**

**CTG: i know they mean well but idk what they expect of me yknow**

**CTG: i dont wear my pjs much anymore because thats a dead fuckin giveaway people can clock me at a thousand paces its like im wearing an enormous red target**

**CTG: most people dont recognize me if im just wearing a t shirt and a beanie or whatever but there are still plenty that do**

**CTG: they hang out outside our house sometimes**

**CTG: so weve been talking about moving out to the country or something so they cant find us**

**CTG: but idk i feel like theyd leave us alone if we actually had something to show for ourselves**

**CTG: we havent done anything weve pretty much been acting like greek gods chillin up on olympus and not giving a single fuck about what happens to the peons**

**CTG: but if im being honest**

**CTG: earth c seems like its falling apart**

**CTG: idk if the others have noticed it yet but things are for sure going south almost everywhere**

**CTG: shit is super tense and while theres no actual fighting happening atm its for sure gonna happen soon**

**CTG: im gonna talk to them about it when we all meet up tomorrow**

**CTG: if we dont do something soon people are gonna die**

**CTG: wow okay that got heavy as shit**

**CTG: blue whales aint got nothing on *this* shit**

**CTG: wait whats the heaviest thing on earth**

**CTG: google says its the kennedy space center launchpad which is cool as shit**

**CTG: the kennedy space center launchpad is a mere feather compared to the heavy shit i just dropped into this memo**

**CTG: i guess it was good to write out all my thoughts on it**

**CTG: i wonder if karkats circlejerk memos are as productive as mine are**

**CTG: because right now im at about a 50 50 ratio of bullshit to productivity**

**CTG: which is better than normal for me so ill take what i can get**

**CTG: lemme get this memo to a better place before future me butts in**

**CTG: tz discovered beanboozled a few days ago and now we all have to watch our food closely because she keeps hiding ones that ‘smell good’ in our shit even though we all know she only gives us the nasty ones**

**CTG: she snuck a rotten egg one into karkats coffee and it melted into it like full dispersal**

**CTG: so when he drank it the whole thing tasted like rotten eggs**

**CTG: and he recoiled so hard he literally pulled a muscle in his neck**

**CTG: dude is wearing a neck brace as we speak its the fucking best**

**FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG]** ** 108 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.**

**FTG: im gonna steal dirks shitty color when i dip my precious little toe into a past memo because rereading that shit when we were both the same color made my eyes fucking hurt**

**CTG: why are you smarter than me**

**FTG: im dave 2.0**

**FTG: im sorry to tell you this but dirk replaced you with an ai that ended up being both smarter *and* cooler than the original you**

**CTG: he fucking would**

**CTG: i thought we were tight but i guess our sibling blood bond means nothing to him**

**CTG: what happened to my sexy bod**

**FTG: he gave it to hal**

**CTG: that bastard**

**CTG: anyway whats up**

**FTG: just thinkin about karkats neck brace**

**FTG: that was literally the funniest fucking shit ever**

**FTG: i miss it**

**FTG: i still see it in my dreams**

**FTG: i know you i sprained my neck with you once upon a dream**

**FTG: i should bring it back**

**FTG: maybe ill try scaring him like that vine with the croissant**

**CTG: we picked the best era to travel to didnt we**

**CTG: just a little bit ahead of where we left so we have all these new memes**

**CTG: vine didnt exist in fuckin 2008**

**FTG: hell yeah brother we almost missed out on a national treasure**

**CTG: any advice you can give me about my state of the union address that *wont* split the timeline**

**FTG: not really**

**FTG: itll be fine**

**FTG: dont stress out about it its not worth it**

**CTG: so dave 2.0 is smarter and cooler but not more useful**

**FTG: sure seems that way**

**CTG: youd think dirk would do a better job**

**FTG: would you really**

**CTG: ye of little faith**

**FTG: you really out here stanning dirk huh**

**CTG: my diet is strictly respect dirk juice and im lost in the fuckin sauce**

**CTG: i am absolutely off the shits**

**FTG: dirk does kind of rule**

**CTG: see**

**CTG: we stan**

**FTG: if he made me do i have to call him creator**

**FTG: or master**

**FTG: like that one movie w the female ai and the guy who made her being horny for the ai that *he* made**

**CTG: that could be like six different movies**

**CTG: ais dont even have genders why do people insist on gendering them**

**CTG: but more importantly you need to keep any and all horniness away from dirk**

**FTG: what if i call him daddy**

**CTG: blocked and reported**

**FTG: yeah i totally just grossed myself out**

**CTG: you heard it here first folks**

**CTG: future dave is absolutely horny on main for the worst thing possible**

**FTG: dont be gross**

**CTG: youre the one that made it gross**

**FTG banned CTG from responding to memo.**

**FTG: hes right but he shouldnt say it**

**FTG closed memo.**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW opened a memo on board CIRCLEJERK THE THIRD.**

**CTG: i done did it to myself**

**CTG: i got one upped by past me even when i knew what was gonna happen**

**CTG: it was like watching a car crash in slow motion**

**PAST turntechGodhead [PTG]** ** 108 HOURS AGO responded to memo.**

**PTG: roasted**

**CTG** ** banned PTG from responding to memo.**

**CTG: shit i forgot i did that**

**CTG: he got me again**

**CTG: what have i become**

**CTG: owned by my dipshit past self like a fucking noob**

**CTG: these time loops have been making my brain melt even more than they did when we were still playing**

**CTG: honestly i have a constant migraine these days and i can just tell its because of my aspect**

**CTG: its bullshit**

**CTG: sburb really fucked me over like four separate time**

**CTG: i got quadruple fucked**

**CTG: thinking about this is making my migraine worse so i guess ill talk about that meeting we had instead**

**CTG: it was supposed to be a family dinner**

**CTG: thats what jade calls them**

**CTG: she invites everyone over to her and jakes house and we all bring food and we just eat and watch movies or whatever**

**CTG: its normally super chill**

**CTG: but i of course had to ruin it**

**CTG: honestly i did the right thing because there is no other time were all even on the same continent**

**CTG: but jade always manages to get every single one of us to show up for family dinners its really something**

**CTG: she is so fucking powerful**

**CTG: its literally impossible to say no to her**

**CTG: she might have psychic powers because not even the people with literal psychic powers are able to resist**

**CTG: anyway**

**CTG: the impromptu state of the union address went fine i guess**

**CTG: were supposed to meet again on tuesday to talk about it more**

**CTG: rose suggested founding separate kingdoms for the four species and that seemed to gain the most traction or whatever**

**CTG: im not sure about it honestly**

**CTG: it seems like were just separating fighting toddlers instead of actually mediating anything or fixing any problems**

**CTG: i have to think about it some more idk yet**

**CTG: i just think we should be taking a more active role**

**CTG: all these species living together like this is literally unprecedented and were the ones responsible for it**

**CTG: we should assume stewardship over what we made**

**CTG: especially us god tier losers**

**CTG: we have magic powers and an infinite life span we need to do *something* with our time**

**CTG: idk**

**CTG: as much as i love goofing off and doing fuckall**

**CTG: we need to find meaning for our lives**

**CTG: *i* need to find meaning for my life**

**CTG: ive never had that i just kept going because other people needed me or whatever i never had a choice**

**CTG: and now that i can choose what to do with eternity**

**CTG: i want to choose something meaningful i guess**

**CTG: the more i talk about this the stupider i sound so im gonna pump the breaks on this tour through daves damaged psyche**

**CTG: you can get a refund at the front desk**

**CTG: the receptionist is kind of an asshole but he has to do what we tell him so hell give you your money back**

**CTG: god i just made it sound like im holding the receptionist at gunpoint**

**CTG: i used to be much better at these long winded metaphors that get way out of hand way too quickly but lately i feel like i have to dig through layers of bullshit to find anything funny**

**CTG: i guess thats pretty indicative of my overall mental state**

**CTG: that psyche tour was more of a trek through the fuckin bayou than an air conditioned bus tour**

**CTG: sloughing through six feet of mud just to get your dick chomped off by an alligator**

**CTG: shit mr alligator i didnt see you there i was too busy mmm blockin out the haters**

**CTG: i block out the haters by grabbing a snorkel and fucking deep mud diving into the swamp of my brain in search of some goofs to sprinkle into my daily life like im a chef baking the worlds douchiest cake**

**CTG: that cake will never know what hit it itll be covered so good in a fine dusting of 100% organic goofs**

**CTG: goofs straight from americas farms to your douchey cake**

**CTG: non gmo goofs**

**CTG: theyre vegan too**

**CTG: there are *no* animal products in these goofs just good flavor**

**FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG]** ** 73 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.**

**FTG: youre embarrassing yourself**

**FTG: knock it the hell off**

**CTG: youre not my dad**

**FTG: shut up your mother buys you megablox instead of legos**

**CTG: you fuckin take that back**

**CTG: is that our humor now**

**CTG: vine references**

**CTG: is there no creativity left**

**CTG: were the crotchety old men right**

**FTG: crotchety old men are never right**

**CTG: answer the question**

**FTG: its not a question if you dont use a question mark**

**CTG: dude you cant say that when you dont use them either**

**FTG: youre not my dad**

**FTG: anyway**

**FTG: no**

**FTG: theres more to life than vine references**

**FTG: theres not *much* more**

**FTG: but there *is* more**

**FTG: im gonna let you in on a little secret**

**FTG: on tuesday karkat is gonna do the most incredible thing youve ever seen in your whole fucking life**

**FTG: and that alone will keep you going for at least a month**

**FTG: refillin the fuckin tanks with respect karkat juice**

**FTG: gonna keep that withered husk you call a body running clean like a fuckin lambo**

**CTG: why are you telling me this now instead of tomorrow or even tuesday morning**

**CTG: now i have to wait 2 entire days for this iconic karkat moments compilation**

**FTG: i was already here so i figured i might as well just tell you now**

**FTG: plus loops and shit**

**FTG: i wasnt gonna put in the effort to pester you from the future when this memo was already in full fuckin swing**

**CTG: if im dave 2.0 that makes you dave vista because you suck**

**FTG: ouch my pride**

**FTG: how ever will i survive this mortal wound**

**FTG: idiot**

**FTG: oh also when kanaya and rose both stand up at the same time to ‘get tea’ be on edge dude**

**FTG: theyre gonna announce their engagement when they come back into the room but youll be one step ahead because im telling you this now**

**CTG: oh cool theyre getting married thats sweet**

**FTG: hell yeah brother its the good good**

**FTG: in this house we love and support rosemary**

**CTG: why do i need to be one step ahead of them**

**FTG: dwight you ignorant slut**

**FTG: you have to be ahead of them because you have to say something before john does**

**CTG: on no is he gonna pull some kinda bullshit**

**CTG: because hes bad enough to be around as it is**

**CTG: is he gonna make it worse**

**FTG: dont worry about it dude i promise things will be fine**

**CTG: i guess i have to take your word for it dont i**

**FTG: yep**

**CTG: youre not very reassuring**

**FTG: dude why would i lie to you**

**FTG: i would gain literally nothing from that**

**FTG: it wouldnt even be worth the effort it would take to type it out**

**CTG: laziness prevails huh**

**FTG: forever and always babey**

**CTG: thats fair**

**CTG: thanks i guess**

**CTG: guess vistas good for something huh**

**FTG: after all ive done for you**

**FTG: this is how you repay me**

**CTG: shut up dipshit youre just completing a loop**

**FTG:**

**CTG: whoa how the hell did you embed an image**

**FTG: its a secret hidden behind 4 paywalls**

**CTG: what are you the fbi**

**FTG: federal booty inspector?**

**FTG: sure am**

**CTG** ** banned FTG from responding to memo.**

**CTG: future dave i love you but you dumb as hell**

**CTG** ** closed memo.**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW opened a memo on board CIRCLEJERK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME.**

**CTG: fuck past me is gonna lose his damn mind on Tuesday**

**CTG: but also fuck that guy for blocking me**

**CTG: i remember it so vividly**

**CTG: like it was yesterday**

**CTG: which it was**

**CTG: john predictably said some well intentioned but still *very* homophobic bullshit**

**CTG: and multiple people started to clamber over the table to smack the shit out of him as is customary when hes back on his bullshit**

**CTG: but holy shit karkat**

**CTG: karkat was right next to him and holy shit i have never seen that troll move that fast before**

**CTG: even through all our training and life or death fighting**

**CTG: he moved at the fucking speed of sound i swear to god it was fucking incredible**

**CTG: so there i am on karkats other side**

**CTG: watching the proceedings unfold**

**CTG: expecting karkat to just fucking punch him or something**

**CTG: but holy shit did karkat deliver**

**CTG: he fucking suplexed john into the table and broke the fucking thing in half**

**CTG: the table not john**

**CTG: karkat *suplexed* john so hard he *broke* the fucking *table***

**CTG: i have never seen so much raw fucking power so much chaotic energy in one room before it was incredibly sexy**

**CTG: i was right when i told past me that that was the best thing ive ever seen in my whole goddamn life**

**CTG: i also think it was funny that i said the ability to embed pictures into these memos was behind 4 paywalls because i had to find 4 shitty pony books for dirk before he would teach me**

**CTG: he and i are pretty close now but he still acts like a fucking skyrim npc sometimes when i want him to do stuff like i have to go to the cave of fuckin wonders and retrieve the golden claw before he fixes my iphone**

**CTG: i guess i should talk about stuff that happened at the meeting before karkat suplexed john into the table instead of dirk being a skyrim npc**

**CTG: he would probably be belethor though**

**CTG: anyway**

**CTG: we decided to make four kingdoms**

**CTG: one for each species**

**CTG: but were gonna be the ones to rule over them**

**CTG: and were gonna have open borders and trade routes and all that shit**

**CTG: so while theyll all technically be separate**

**CTG: they wont actually have anything keeping them apart**

**CTG: were not making delineated borders or immigration control or anything like that**

**CTG: i guess the best way to describe it is that the kingdoms are like states**

**CTG: it makes sense that wed base it off what most of us grew up with**

**CTG: and by most of us i mean just me john jane and rose holy shit**

**CTG: i think this could work**

**CTG: i actually kinda really like this idea**

**CTG: idk what kingdom i want to help with yet though**

**CTG: karkat is of course founding the troll kingdom**

**CTG: i dont think god himself couldve stopped that from happening**

**CTG: so ill probably just stick with him because duh hes my boyfriend but i still want to at least consider the other ones**

**CTG: tz is gonna help him and i think jades leaning toward the troll kingdom too but idk why she is because i dont think shes ever even liked the trolls**

**CTG: rose and kanaya are dead set on the carapace kingdom which i guess makes sense because theyve always loved those little chess bastards**

**CTG: gcatavrosprite and jake are gonna found the consort kingdom because jake has that weird one with nature george of the jungle shit going on and gcatavrosprite is part cat i guess**

**CTG: idk where arquiusprite is or if hes even on earth c at all? i remember seeing him during the fight but idk where he went after that**

**CTG: knowing dirk hes gonna go with jake**

**CTG: john is 100% gonna found the human kingdom**

**CTG: he didnt say anything about it because karkat suplexed the soul outta him but theres no way hes not**

**CTG: jane said she wants to make the human kingdom so i guess those two will be together**

**CTG: and dad crocker goes wherever jane goes**

**CTG: and nannasprite goes wherever john goes**

**CTG: so the only ones who are still up in the air are roxy and calliope**

**CTG: calli will go wherever roxy wants but roxys such a social butterfly that it could be literally anywhere**

**CTG: whatever**

**CTG: its not my problem**

**CTG: its not really even a problem at all**

**CTG: it looks like everythings gonna work out but i dont want to say that because ill jinx it**

**CTG: who knows honestly i could one day just wake up and realize this was all a dream**

**CTG: or that weve still been in the medium this whole time and the game isnt over**

**CTG: that the games never over**

**FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG]** ** 4397 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.**

**FTG: alright dude thats enough spiraling dont you think**

**CTG: youre not my dad**

**CTG: but**

**CTG:**

**FTG: hell yeah brother**

**CTG: over sixth months in the future and i still say that shit**

**FTG: i think its a disease**

**CTG: i hope its fatal**

**FTG:**

**CTG: youre not my dad**

**CTG:**

**FTG: why does every single one of these memos devolve into a meme heavy slapfight**

**FTG:**

**CTG: did you intentionally find the lowest res pic on the entire internet**

**CTG: also thats like a 2008 era meme and now im having flashbacks**

**CTG: why would you do this to me**

**FTG:**

**CTG: i hate you**

**CTG: i want a divorce**

**FTG:**

**CTG: how dare you use peepee against me**

**CTG: did dirk know that he was releasing the beast when he taught us how to embed images**

**CTG: did he know**

**FTG: i dont see how he would**

**FTG: but even if he did he still wouldve taught us**

**FTG: there is nobody that loves this kind of man vs self shit more than that guy**

**FTG: besides maybe karkat**

**CTG: thats true hes such an enabler**

**FTG: more of an encourager really**

**CTG: imagine i used the you right pic here i dont feel like encoding it again**

**FTG: youre so lazy**

**CTG: hello pot my name is kettle**

**FTG: fuck**

**FTG: this whole being able to talk to our future and past selves thing is such bullshit**

**FTG: idk why we can even do it**

**FTG: it made sense while they were on the meteor**

**FTG: well**

**FTG: not really**

**FTG: but it at least made more sense that us being able to do it through trollian servers on karkats old husktop**

**FTG: it just seems like the universe made rules and then sburb came in and fucked literally every single one of them and didnt even offer the universe breakfast the next morning**

**FTG: then the universe got home and realized that sburb stole its identity and gave it gonorrhea**

**CTG:**

**CTG: wait are we the gonorrhea**

**FTG: the gonorrheas whatever you want babey**

**CTG: do you ever think before you speak**

**FTG: no never**

**FTG: this is 100% organic unfiltered brain juice brother i live from one moment to the next i barely process what i say or type i just do it**

**FTG:**

**CTG: i just want you to know that i had a very visceral reaction to that picture**

**CTG: like that girl with the fake rat in walmart**

**FTG: is it. . . is it real**

**CTG: oh its real alright**

**CTG: and its coming to a store near you**

**CTG: what were we even talking about before we started waving our dicks around**

**FTG: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

**CTG: oofa doofa**

**FTG: hachi machi**

**CTG: why do we even bother with this anymore**

**CTG: literally nothing gets accomplished**

**CTG: dont you have a kingdom or something to take care of**

**FTG: or something**

**CTG: whoa did we not join a kingdom**

**FTG: who knows**

**CTG:**

**FTG: i think we keep doing this because its fun**

**CTG: dave admitting to positive emotion? in *my* memo?**

**CTG: its more likely than you think**

**FTG: this is less fun this just feels like meme ping pong**

**FTG: its not a competition**

**CTG: oh it *is* a competition**

**CTG: and im winning**

**FTG:**

**CTG: i just took 5d8 psychic damage**

**FTG: dont be a bitch bitch**

**FTG: miss keisha**

**FTG: miss keisha**

**FTG: oh my fuckin god she fuckin dead**

**CTG: i cant believe youve done this**

**FTG: dave you will be sorely missed**

**FTG:**

**CTG: F**

**FTG: F**

**CTG:**

**CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]** ** RIGHT NOW responded to memo.**

**CCG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DIPSHITS DOING?**

**CTG: pressing F to pay respects**

**CCG: IS THIS WHAT YOU’VE BEEN DOING WHEN I TOLD YOU TO WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL? FUCKING AROUND WITH FUTURE YOUS AND SENDING ASININE JPEGS?**

**CTG: um**

**FTG: pretty much yeah**

**CTG: dude not cool**

**CCG** ** banned FTG from responding to memo.**

**CTG: dude also not cool**

**CCG** ** banned CTG from responding to memo.**

**CCG: I’M MAKING OUR LIVES EASIER.**

**CCG: YOU’LL THANK ME FOR THIS LATER.**

**CCG** ** closed memo.**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

**\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] –-**

**TG: dude whats your problem**

**CG: THOSE MEMOS MAKE ME NAUSEAS I CAN’T EVEN LOOK AT THEM ANYMORE.**

**TG: babe the memos look exactly the same as regular trollian logs**

**TG: why did you even bother coming in then if you cant handle the time shenanigans**

**CG: I WANTED TO CHECK ON YOU. DIRK TOLD ME YOU WERE FROWNING AND LAUGHING AT THE SAME TIME SO I WAS CONCERNED YOU HAD A THINKPAN PARASITE OR SOMETHING ELSE EQUALLY HIDEOUS.**

**CG: NOW I’M SURE YOU HAVE *SOMETHING*. I DON’T KNOW HOW ELSE YOU’D BE ABLE TO HANDLE TALKING TO YOUR FUTURE SELF FOR AS LONG AS YOU DID.**

**TG: had you scrolled up you wouldve seen that every memo involves me talking to my future self**

**TG: and my past self on one memorable occasion**

**TG: i really be out here jerkin it in a temporal loop**

**TG: hence the name of the memo being circlejerk with some witty rejoinder after it**

**CG: BUT THE FIRST ONE WAS CALLED CIRCLEJERK, WASN’T IT? AND YOU MADE IT BEFORE FUTURE YOU GOT INVOLVED?**

**TG:**

**CG: HOW THE ACTUAL HELL DID YOU EMBED AN IMAGE IN REGULAR CHAT???**

**TG: ill never tell >:3c**

**CG: DID DIRK TEACH YOU?**

**TG: what part of me not telling dont you understand**

**CG: IT WAS DIRK.**

**TG: it was dirk**

**TG: hes like some kind of coding wizard**

**TG: unlike some shouty trolls i know**

**CG: SHUT THE HELL UP. I’M A MASTER CODER.**

**TG: didnt you write a code that literally made your husktop explode**

**TG: thats not even possible and yet your coding was so shitty that your computer fucking melted**

**CG: IF I WROTE A VIRUS WITH THE INTENT TO BLOW UP SOMEONES COMPUTER AND IT BLEW UP *MY* COMPUTER, DOESN’T THAT MEAN I CREATED A VIRUS THAT DOES ITS JOB ARGUABLY TOO WELL? DIDN’T I MAKE THE MOST VIRULENT VIRUS TO EVER FUCKING EXIST?**

**CG: COULD A BAD CODER MAKE *THAT*?**

**TG:**

**CG: WHO IS THAT MAN?**

**TG: i dont know**

**TG: why are you always asking me who people are when i show you stuff**

**TG: i cant show you a funny youtube video without you playing 20 fucking questions like youre a 40 year old mom**

**TG: whos that dave**

**TG: why is he in that weird tube dave**

**TG: why is he almost naked dave**

**TG: why is he dancing dave**

**TG: just enjoy freezing karkat**

**TG: just[enjoy freezing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5k_5galPH6k)**

**TG: anyway what were we talking about**

**CG: YOUR DECISION TO FUCK AROUND WITH YOUR FUTURE SELF INSTEAD OF WRITING IN YOUR JOURNAL PROPERLY.**

**TG: for your information i always start the memos doing normal diary shit like dear diary today brad kissed me and then fingered me behind the bleachers**

**TG: he looked so good in his varsity football letterman that it made my knees weak**

**TG: ugh whatever**

**TG: why does this even matter so much to you**

**CG:  I GUESS IT SHOULDN’T. BUT I THINK IT’S IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO EXTERNALIZE YOUR THOUGHTS. I MAY... POSSIBLY BE TOO OVERBEARING ABOUT IT BUT I REALLY THINK JOURNALING WILL HELP YOU.**

**CG: YOU REFUSE TO GO TO FUCKING THERAPY. SO THIS IS THE NEXT BEST THING.**

**CG: DAVE I DON’T THINK YOU REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT YOUR HAPPINESS IS.**

**CG: NOT JUST TO ME BUT TO EVERYONE**

**CG: ROSE ASKS ME ABOUT YOU ALMOST EVERY DAY.**

**CG: EVEN FUCKING *DIRK* HAS MESSAGED ME TO CHECK ON YOU.**

**CG: AND DAVE**

**CG: HONESTLY JOURNALING HAS ALREADY BEEN HELPING YOU.**

**CG: YOU’VE SEEMED SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE LATELY, SO MUCH HAPPIER WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE, AND I REALLY THINK THAT’S DUE AT LEAST IN PART TO FUCKING JOURNALING, AS MUCH AS YOU WANT TO GIVE ME GRIEF OVER IT.**

**TG: part of me wants to be a dick and deny it but i dont see what good would come from any of that dodgy bullshit**

**TG: i actually think youre right**

**TG: these logs have helped me organize my thoughts and sift out my actually important feelings and opinions from the garrys mod sandbox of bullshit that is my brain**

**TG: and also fucking around with future mes was admittedly fun**

**TG: and fuck sometimes i really needed the brevity**

**TG: so yeah**

**TG: you were right and whatever**

**TG: try not to rub it in too hard i have sensitive skin**

**CG: I’M NOT GOING TO RUB ANYTHING IN.**

**CG: I WILL, OF COURSE, BE INCREDIBLY FUCKING SMUG ABOUT IT, BUT I’M NOT GOING TO RUB IT IN. I WOULDN’T WANT TO DAMAGE THAT BABY SOFT SKIN.**

**TG: right?**

**TG: im so fuckin soft dude im like a peach**

**TG: wanna know how else im like a peach**

**CG: JUICY?**

**TG: juicy**

**TG: shit**

**TG: you beat me to it**

**CG: MAYBE I’M JUST BETTER THAN YOU IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE WAY.**

**TG: maybe**

**TG: or maybe i just have better things to do than type juicy at the speed of sound**

**CG: WHAT ELSE COULD YOU FUCKING POSSIBLY BE DOING?**

**TG: none ya**

**CG: ARE YOU WATCHING THAT WEIRD DANCING VIDEO AGAIN?**

**TG: i plead the fifth**

**CG: GODDAMN IT**

**CG: STOP WATCHING THAT FUCKING VIDEO BABE I CAN FUCKING HEAR IT IN MY HEAD AS WE SPEAK!!!**

**TG: what do you have against that song it slaps**

**CG: IT’S GOING TO BE STUCK IN MY THINKPAN FOR *DAYS* NOW. THANKS ASSHOLE.**

**TG: cmon babe**

**TG: dont you wanna be my[lover](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPzIWFJU_3s)**

**CG: NO.**

**CG: FUCK YOU.**

**TG: are you breaking up with me**

**CG: ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?**

**TG:**

**CG: IDIOT.**

**TG:**

**CG: I LOVE YOU.**

**TG: i love you too**

**TG: im gonna head home do you need me to pick anything up**

**CG: I STILL DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GO TO DIRK’S PLACE TO JOURNAL LIKE YOU DON’T HAVE A PERFECTLY FUCKING SERVICEABLE HIVE AT YOUR DISPOSAL**

**CG: AND YEAH WE NEED MILK.**

**TG: i need help coding the images and its easier for him to help if hes sitting next to me**

**TG: 10 4 good buddy**

**TG: ill see you soon :***

**CG: SEE YOU SOON *:B**

**\-- turntechGodhead [TG] stopped pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW opened a memo on board CIRCLEJERK ROYALE.**

**CTG: oofa doofa past me**

**CTG: i dont really remember what karkat said to me after he closed that memo but i guess he probably yelled or something**

**CTG: that was six months ago i dont remember anything that happened six months ago**

**CTG: so whats happened in the eons since i last wrote a memo**

**CTG: lets see**

**CTG: rosemary? married**

**CTG: kingdoms? founded**

**CTG: engagement ring? purchased**

**CTG: dick? out**

**CTG: yeah i bought an engagement ring finally**

**CTG: ive been meaning to do it for literal months now but idk i just didnt have the chutzpah until yesterday**

**CTG: i just woke up and looked at karkats sleeping face and was like yep todays the fuckin day**

**CTG: hes so cute when hes asleep he wrinkles his nose like a little kitten**

**CTG: and if i move too much or make too much noise he sticks out a hand and tries to pap me while still asleep**

**CTG: sometimes he purrs which rules**

**CTG: anyway so i woke up and decided to get the ring because fuck i love him so much hes perfect**

**CTG: rose and dirk both came with me to pick it out and i may or may not have cried in front of the jay jewelers lady**

**CTG: dirk one hundred percent roasted me within an inch of my life like the giant bleached asshole he is**

**CTG: but he also hugged me and sniffled a bit into my shoulder so whos the real sap**

**CTG: its both of us**

**CTG: rose was the only one who didnt cry**

**CTG: shes much more powerful than us mere mortal men**

**CTG: even though neither of us is actually mortal**

**CTG: whatever**

**CTG: point is**

**CTG: i bought an engagement ring for karkat and i want to propose soon**

**CTG: weve been talking about getting engaged so its not like im doing this completely out of nowhere or anything because thats a shit move you cant just spring that on someone**

**CTG: but i do want to surprise him**

**CTG: idk how exactly im gonna do it yet though**

**CTG: hopefully future me will weigh in at some point**

**CTG: ...**

**CTG: nothing huh**

**CTG: whatever**

**CTG: rose and kanaya had a private proposal**

**CTG: apparently rose asked her while they were curled up on their couch drinking tea**

**CTG: it was just a normal day and rose said she looked at kanaya and the words just fell from her mouth**

**CTG: which is super fucking cute**

**CTG: its so fucking sweet its gonna give me cavities**

**CTG: but i dont want to propose on accident**

**CTG: like i get that thatd be super romantic and whatever but i want ours to be special**

**CTG: karkat is such a hopeless romantic yknow**

**CTG: i think he wants one of those over the top proposals**

**CTG: weve watched so many romcoms together that i know exactly how he feels about every type of proposal**

**CTG: its so fucking funny when he doesnt like a proposal hell sometimes just fucking turn the movie off**

**CTG: its incredible**

**CTG: if he does sit through the rest of the movie he spends the whole time dragging the soul out the male lead like the guy came to his house and pissed on his flowerbeds**

**CTG: he takes it so personally when he thinks a proposal is shitty**

**CTG: its the funniest shit literally ever**

**CTG: but back to actual proposal ideas**

**CTG: i have a few in mind**

**CTG: i guess i could always take him to like a really fancy dinner**

**CTG: but that seems so generic**

**CTG: and hes ambivalent at best about those**

**CTG: i could get one of those jigsaw puzzle things made so when he finishes it itll say will you marry me**

**CTG: but thats impersonal**

**CTG: also he hates puzzles**

**CTG: idk ive been looking ones up online but theyve been tacky and unhelpful im not gonna hide a ring box in his shoes or whatever it is that all these freaks are doing**

**CTG: it has to be special**

**CTG: maybe i should take him somewhere special**

**CTG: we could go to europe hes been talking about wanting to go there idk why we havent yet**

**CTG: i could ask him in front of the eiffel tower or some shit**

**CTG: but idk a public proposal doesnt seem right to me mostly because i dont want anyone gawking at us**

**CTG: were too damn famous**

**CTG: even if we werent famous and nobody gave a shit about us i think id still want it to be just the two of us**

**CTG: its gotta be somewhere special though**

**CTG: its gotta mean something**

**CTG: oh**

**CTG: i know what im gonna do**

**CTG: im gonna take him to the mountaintop i go to when i want to be alone**

**CTG: hes knows about it but hes never been**

**CTG: probably because its supposed to be a place for me to be alone**

**CTG: but i want him to see it**

**CTG: i dont need to be alone if i have him**

**FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG]** ** 52659 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.**

**FTG: gay**

**CTG: dont you have better things to do**

**FTG: not really**

**FTG: karkats got the kids today**

**CTG: dont be a dick youre only 6 years ahead of me**

**CTG: i realized as i typed that that 6 years is a long ass time dude**

**CTG: but definitely not long enough for us to have kids**

**FTG: i knew you wouldnt fall for that but i tried anyway**

**CTG: yeah well you gotta complete the loop right**

**FTG: sure**

**CTG: very noncommittal answer for a time god**

**FTG: very juvenile answer for an adult**

**CTG: does being 18 really make me an adult**

**CTG: i feel like im an adult because ive been alive for what feels like a million fucking years not because my fucking carcass was born 159756 hours 22 minutes and 13 and a half seconds ago**

**CTG: this isnt even my original body this is technically my dream self**

**CTG: but i guess that was probably made at the same time i was**

**CTG: ugh fuck i dont want to think about this anymore**

**FTG: you done yet**

**CTG: just about**

**FTG: nice**

**FTG: im just here to tell you that your proposal idea is good hes gonna love it**

**FTG: hes gonna walk toward the edge first thing so you should get on one knee before he turns around**

**FTG:**

**CTG: dude youre not supposed to tell me what hes gonna do what if i fuck it up now**

**FTG: oops**

**CTG: what do you mean oops**

**CTG: are you not a fucking god of time**

**CTG: this is timeline bullshit 101 dude**

**FTG: what can i say**

**FTG: i been drinking a *lot* of dumb bitch juice**

**CTG: youre like my embarrassing idiot dad**

**FTG: do i *look* like**

**CTG: god we still quote vines at 24 years old why are we like this**

**FTG: cause it slaps next question**

**CTG: :(**

**CTG: the future is bleak**

**FTG: drama queen**

**FTG: youll be fine**

**CTG: why should i take your word for it**

**FTG: im still alive so ive got to be doing something right**

**CTG: were literally impossible to kill that doesnt mean anything**

**FTG: :^)**

**CTG: shit dude that is *so* fucking ominous i got fucking chills**

**CTG: what does that even mean**

**CTG: dude**

**CTG: cmon dude answer me**

**CTG: why are you being so fucking cryptic**

**FTG:**

**FTG** ** banned FTG from responding to memo.**

**CTG: what on fucking earth**

**CTG: i**

**CTG: god**

**CTG closed memo.**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW opened a memo on board CIRCLEJERK AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE.**

**CTG: i love being a dick to past me hes such a schmuck**

**CTG: the proposal was so incredible though im glad i wrote down all my thoughts about it**

**CTG: it was nice to read it again**

**CTG: weve been married for over five years now and i still grin like a fucking doofus when i think about it**

**CTG: he cried so much he stained his shirt and had to throw it out**

**CTG: now we have dinner on that mountaintop for our anniversary every year**

**CTG: its cheesy and i love it**

**CTG: anyway**

**CTG: that was literally so long ago i couldnt remember a single thing i was supposed to say so i was kinda flying by the seat of my pants hoping i was completing the loop and *not* splitting the timeline**

**CTG: which double reacharounds to the reason i even bothered opening this server in the first place**

**CTG: i dont have time powers anymore**

**CTG: i didnt really notice it until after i turned 20**

**CTG: but my powers were slowly declining**

**CTG: i stopped being able to see time loops**

**CTG: at first they just got blurry but they kept getting blurrier and blurrier until i just couldnt see them at all**

**CTG: my internal clock is super fucked up now too**

**CTG: i cant tell how much time has passed even if my life fucking depended on it because i relied so much on my aspect for so long**

**CTG: none of us can fly anymore either**

**CTG: that was another slow process**

**CTG: first we just couldnt fly as high but then as time went on we just kept dropping lower and lower until we were completely earthbound**

**CTG: i dont think were immortal anymore either**

**CTG: we were at first**

**CTG: jake got fucking mauled by a bear or some shit in our first year on earth c and he was fine he healed up fast and everything**

**CTG: but a year or two ago roxy broke her leg and it healed at a normal human rate**

**CTG: aka slow as fuck**

**CTG: i think if any of us got fatally injured now wed die for real**

**CTG: our aging seems to be a lot slower than the average human though**

**CTG: so while we will die eventually itll take a long ass time to get there**

**CTG: rose thinks weve synced up with the trolls lifespan**

**CTG: idk why or how that would work**

**CTG: but i guess well find out**

**CTG: anyway i just wanted to say that**

**CTG: i guess i felt like this journal needed a conclusion**

**CTG: theres only six entries but its spanned a lot of time and a lot of change so i thought i should officially cap it off**

**CTG: whatever it doesnt really matter**

**CTG: who knows if ill ever read any of this again**

**CTG: maybe i will**

**CTG: nostalgias one hell of a drug**

**CTG: well i guess thats it from me**

**CTG: laters**

**CTG** ** closed memo.**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**Author's Note:**

> formatting the logs and shit isnt easy and it took a few hours so there may be some mistakes! feel free to let me know if anything doesnt work or if you cant see any of the images. i checked them but sometimes itll work on my end and not anywhere else. thanks for reading! hope you enjoyed!
> 
> companion post is [here](http://transgenos.tumblr.com/post/182691992797/companion-post-for-temporal-romps-through) if you dont understand any of the references and/or the embedded links and pics arent working!


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